I live in an incredibly messy room. I always have. Back in the days when i was getting a real education, as opposed to a pretend one, i was renowned for having the messiest room at WIMWI (Well known institute of management in western India). This probably reflects the fact that I am a Nihilist at heart, as opposed to those pseudo-intellectuals who live well organized lives in spick and span apartments, but claim that life has no meaning.
Many people are confused about what messy means. The other day, I was having a conversation with this girl - the proverbial "Your place or my place" conversation, and I was somewhat insistent that I would go over to her place. She found this a bit odd, so I had to express my apprehensions about her coming to my rather unkempt dwelling, and subsequently fleeing in digust.
"Oh, Big Deal. I have books lying around on the floor too and I haven't done my laundry for a couple of weeks. And I haven't cleaned my room in a couple of months", she said.
Her statement only made me think of her as a cleanliness freak. For when I say messy, this is what I mean.
1. You keep your valuables under a pile of dirty laundry in a corner of the room.
2. You don't quite remember how that pile got there. The details are lost in antiquity.
3. The Rooh-Afza that a friend spills on your floor (an entire half-bottle of it) is never cleaned. (don't ask me what the Rooh-Afza was doing there - it was an alcohol related incident. We were trying to make interesting cocktails). Eventually it dries, and gathers a coating of dust and body hair, becoming positively plush in the process. You end up with a homemade rug.
4. The occasional dead mouse or dead cockroach turns up in your room, having ingested food that has been lying around and gone toxic by virtue of having been there.
5. There is a bowl of yogurt by your bedside. There is a garden of fungus in it. You watch it with fascination everyday, waiting for the day it will evolve a pair of legs and scamper away.
6. You accidentally brush the layer of dust on your desk and find keys that you have been looking for a long time.
7. You have never cleaned your sheets. Rogue regimes get in touch with you because of your expertise in developing biological weapons. (I was, of course, humbled in this endeavor by the great LM, who did the same thing with underwear.)
8. A pigeon builds a nest on top of your shelf.
9. The pigeon lays eggs, but leaves, disgusted with your room.
10. The nest and the eggs are still there, a year after the event.
Needless to say, I'm going to have a HazMat team over. Just in case she insists it be my place.
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6 comments:
Hello, what do you mean you had the messiest room in wimwi?! According to whom, I'd like to know. Clearly someone who'd never been to mine.
1) You had bedsheets - even if you didn't clean them. I had them for the first week, but then I decided that it was too much trouble tucking them in again and again, so I just slept on the 25 year old mattress.
2) You have piles of dirty laundry lying around. I had piles of clean laundry lying about that I never bothered to dry. I just let it lie there in a pile on the floor, picking up whatever I needed and wearing it no matter how damp it was. You had fungus growing on bowls of discarded yogurt - I had fungus growing on my laundered clothes.
3) I'm allergic to fresh air, so I would keep my door and windows tightly locked at all times. Anyone entering my room would therefore have to hold their breath and run to open the balcony door. It would be at least five minutes before the air inside had reached toxicity levels that were acceptable to humans
4) I had a spotlessly clean floor. This was because my bed was so crowded with books and papers that I used to spend all my time lying on the floor, so it would get swept clean by the action of my body rubbing against it. Needless to say I never let the sweeper who came by enter because what would i do if he rearranged any of the 32,368 papers lying on my floor
5) I kept a half empty coke bottle from one of our drinking sprees in my room for 6 months (finally throwing it out only during convo). Do you know what colour coke turns after it's been lying in the open for six months. Chagal would have been proud of me.
falstaff: I do remember your room. if my memory serves me right, occasionally one would also find a mutual friend (he lives in NY) who had crawled underneath your bed and passed out after a particularly heavy drinking session
MR: If you only knew what a dirty *mind* i had...
Ah, how perfect! Now, when she finally does visit your place (post HazMat team saying hello and all that) you can win brownie points for being romantic and spout lines like - You are the vaccum cleaner in the pigsty of my life. Honestly now, which girl can resist mush like that.
Nicely done. Very nice.
Megha: If you think it will work, i have a sufficiently twisted mind to actually come up with something like that, perhaps literally.
You do realise that after this post, the NEXT "your place or mine" conversation is limited to some hairy trog who has more stubble than you?
AQC: i think i'll manage to do better than that, thanks.
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